He asked to "fluff my boner.."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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