I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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