Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
