Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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