i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
