did you get engaged???
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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