I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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