theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
