Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have aggressive nipples.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm having to shit out rocks
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