I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
