you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
