what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
