The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
