Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
