when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
