I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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