So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
