On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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