My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
