I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
