I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
