his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
