its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
