It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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