you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
