maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You can't special order awesome
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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