I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
