i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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