when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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