friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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