a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
