so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
