you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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