Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
