I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
