He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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