Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
