You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
