You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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