Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Bring me that man meat
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
