i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
