at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
