I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am one with the molecules
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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