I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
