my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
