Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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