dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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