She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
