I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My ass is underappreciated
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
