One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
