I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
