How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
