I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
