sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
