I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
