I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
