oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
