Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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