mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
