Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize