Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
