she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
